25 Items or Less

Sometimes when you are away from home, you can really start to miss it. Fortunately for us, there are still some things that aren't different or remind us of home. All we have to do is drive to our neighborhood Walmart. Everybody knows that no matter where you are in the world, a Walmart is a Walmart. 

A few weeks ago, Vieve and I decided to see what the closest Walmart was like. When we got inside, it felt like we were back in SLC. There was still cheap clothes, cheap food, and white trash people or the equivalent to them. Home, sweet, home.

On this occasion we only needed a few leftover staples for the apartment. We looked around for a just a short time and decided to check out and get back to the east coast. When we got to the front we hadn't anticipated lines with over 15 people in each, but decided to wait in line for our two items anyway. We headed for what seemed like the shortest of the lines in one of the 25 items or less aisles. The line moved faster then expected and we were very close to the checkout when, the magic that is Walmart, hit us and everyone around us in full scale. I was just glancing at the covers of the tabloids when I heard someone in the next aisle say, " What did you say? B%#ch, you best be learnin' how to count. I got me less than 25 items." I immediately looked up and saw a huge black women with her hand up in front of another huge women's face, who appeared to be hispanic. The black women was with her three daughters, which could have easily been the offspring of Shaquille O'Neal. The hispanic woman had a daughter who was about 10 or 11 and  was scared to death. There was continued squawking/obscenities  from each party while the black woman finished checking out. As the family was walking away, the hispanic must have whispered something under her tongue. What it was we will never know. All I know is that one of the daughters heard it and stopped with an  "Oh, no you di-nt" kind of look on her face. I don't think I have ever seen something so big move so swiftly, but she had pounced on this woman,  and from a good distance no less, before my appreciation for this moment could graduate to the next level. Although the woman had moved like a cheetah, it all seemed to be going in slow motion. Even her voice slowed and deepened as she screamed "Thaaaaat's  Myyyyyy Motthhherrrr youuur taaaaalkinn bouutt!" This girl wasn't just up in her face. It was like a giant amoeba trying to absorb another amoeba. It... was... AWESOME! From this point on, all she could do was point her finger to the ceiling, keep absorbing, and yelling "Now what, B!%ch? Now what?" This went on for a few more "Now whats?" before her sisters dragged her off toward the exit. 

While this is occurring the checker in our aisle had borrowed a customer's cellphone and was calling 911. "Hello, there is an incident in Walmart and we need backup. No, in Walmart. No, IN Walmart. Yeah, inside the store. We don't have any security. Okay bye." She then started to ring us up.

Now that they were separated and the black family was now exiting the store blurting obscentities, the checker in their line (who happens to also be African-American) starts threatening that he will call the police on the hispanic women. Wrong move buddy. Another hispanic lady in our line wasn't going to have any of that and started freaking out, screaming, "Because your black and they're black, you think you can call the police." 

At this point our item had been rung up and we parted through the continued mess and headed for the exit. We wanted to stay but hey, that would have been awkward so we kept going. On the way to the car I said to Vieve, "That right there made this whole trip worth it. I don't need to go to law school anymore." After experiencing that, I knew I was now a part of the community. God Bless America!

Springfield and Its Awesomeness!

Hello everyone. I have been feeling like I should share some of mine and Vieve's experiences (more mine) in our new hometown of Springfield, Mass. This way you can get to know more about a town that people aren't very familiar with. 

If you were to ask Vieve what she thinks of Springfield she would probably tell you it's a hole, where you could get shot or mugged at any moment. This seems to be a bit deceiving, considering she doesn't get out of the apartment as much as she would like and her vivid imagination is let loose.  She locks the car door when a guy in a three piece suit gets too close to the car. She just hasn't had the chance yet to see the awesomeness that is Springfield, but with time she will come along.

Sure people are getting stabbed or shot every other day, but I'm not too worried. The way the news anchors announce these incidents so nonchalantly, it makes you feel much more comfortable. I figure it is a culture thing. I mean if you were visiting back home and saw a big family, you would say, "Hmm. Must be in Utah." In Springfield, when you see a homeless man attack a guy in a car with a meat cleaver, you say, "Hmm. The weather sure is nice today." Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be about the few negatives of Springfield, Mass., but the many positives of our town. I think that there are just too many great things that I could talk about, so will limit it to just a few for the time being.

I think that pretty much everyone knows how awesome Boxster is, especially the wife and sister-in-laws. Sadly, I wasn't able to bring him with me. Well, what could fill the void of Boxster? The answer is nothing. However, in a time of  need you have to go with what you got and I got squirrels. Lots and lots and lots of squirrels. The squirrels in Springfield are more plentiful than you could ever wish for. Normally, you would see a squirrel and not think anything of it. Here, you have to watch where you step or else squashed squirrel. Seriously, it's not unusual to see 5-7 of them at a given time and all over the city. For some reason, I find them so fascinating. I will sit at the window and watch a pack of them outside our window for 15+ minutes. One morning I opened the shades and two squirrels were in the middle of an aggressive fight, at least thats what I think they were doing. It looked as though one had a nut in his grasp and the other was wanting it real bad. They would chase each other all around and up the trees. Finally, after some sweet attempts at the nut, the loser decided it was a lost cause and started pursuing elsewhere. The winner took his prize and began to eat it with his back to the other squirrel.

This is a blurry close up of the two squirrels going at it on the tree. 

One is on the lower left side and the other is slightly higher to the right.

He must have still been paranoid because all of a sudden he leapt high into the air, like someone had snuck up and tapped his shoulder. It didn't scare him too bad because after he landed it was back to his nut. Then boom, two feet in the air. This process repeated itself a few more times. I found it difficult to take my eyes off of them. It was like watching a nature show, "When Squirrels Go Berserk!" The best is when you are walking in the direction of a squirrel in the open and he freezes. He thinks, "if I don't move, they won't see me." Well, that's enough about the squirrels for now, but you certainly haven't heard the last of them. I mean, I didn't even get to the dead squirrels.

Many people probably read the first part of the blog about the stabbings and what not, and were scared for us. I must say that it is okay and that we are taken care of. We have superheroes roaming the streets, during business hours, for our protection. I figure the politicians felt the need to reallocate all or most of the street repair money (needed for absurdly deep sinkholes in the roads), in order to continue Springfield's high standard of safety. 

As of the time being, I am only aware of two superheroes in our area. The first one is Fairy Man. First time I saw him he was protecting a local Burger King when I was coming home from school. I haven't seen any of his super powers yet, but I figure the purple and gold fairy wings on his back have something to do with the process. He occasionally has a a wand with a star at the tip, which must be for those difficult days. He also has giant earphones. Maybe this is for a bug like appearance, but not entirely sure. All I know, is when I see the purple and gold I can crack the car windows a little further.

The next superhero is the one and only Superman. I saw him early in the morning on my way to school, strolling down the sidewalk. I don't know how we got him but we sure are lucky. Either Springfield has more money than I expected or Superman is short on dough. Anyway, he seems to be sporting a slightly new outfit. Instead of tights he has switched to red sweat pants which are still tighter than normal.  I think they help him glide better when he is tired of flying. Of course he still has the original cape with the "S" logo on it. Come on, this Superman we're talking about. Although he might be contractually obligated to wear the original cape. Another change was, instead of having a full body suit made of tights, it was split up between the sweat pants and a regular Superman t-shirt.  This is obviously a practicality issue. He he needs to go to the bathroom sometime with full accessibility. Also, I think it is to promote slumping t-shirt sales. 

You may ask, "But KC, how do you know it isn't just a crazy bum in a Superman suit, walking down the street?". Good question and at first I thought this too. I failed to mention one thing though. He was carrying a briefcase and bums do not carry briefcases. Only can carrying devices. He was on his way to the office and hadn't clocked in yet. Probably had his lunch and spare suit in there. Thank goodness for these men. We can finally feel safe again .

Thanks for listening in and I hope I have convinced you to visit in the near future. If not, I will continue to try, with posts about Springfield and its Awesomeness.